Kill Al La Aftermath

Posted on Sat Nov 5th, 2022 @ 7:10am by Lieutenant Alisha Reno & Lieutenant JG Jane Sinclair

1,828 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Insurrection
Location: Observation Blister Charlie-2

Alisha stared out at the stars from the darkened observation blister, one of the several places on the inside of the hull that people could use to make observations. They were a throwback to the OLD days when sensors weren't the most reliable and crews sometimes had to rely on the Mark One eyeball to spot enemy craft or other phenomena. Nowadays, they were most often used by people just to look out at the stars, whether just for the beauty of the darkness speckled by lights, or for contemplation.

For Alisha, it was the latter. She'd been released from sickbay a couple hours ago, with a warning from the doctors not to overexert herself, especially while she was still healing. Of course, that might not be much of a problem for much longer in any case.

The blonde tore her eyes from the stars to look down at her hands, where she was fiddling with a device, then back out at the stars, and then she started crying again for the fifth time since she'd arrived at this point. She'd been visited by Jane in sickbay, to make sure she was going to be all right after she'd gotten out of surgery. And Alisha had lived, but Hiro hadn't. Hiro had died, his blood on her hands... And body... And the deck of the Nikko. And she'd killed him.

She had ended someone else's life, and this wasn't part of a movie where the actors had gotten back up once the director had yelled 'Cut!'. Hiro wasn't coming back.

"I always knew you had the blood of a killer; You just needed someone to help you see the monster you truly are..." Those had been the words to her as he had died, looking at her in the eyes, daring her to forget him. She leaned her head against the window as sobs wracked her body and she brought the device up again.

The settings on the phaser were blurry as she looked at them, but it was enough to see the red dots on the small screen The sign that the small type one phaser was set to kill. She looked back out at the stars as she brought the tip of it up under her chin. The stars were beautiful, despite the window, they were the only source of light in sight. It would be a good way to go.

The door into the observation blister opened and Jane Sinclair stood at the door. Alisha was supposed to have gone straight to her quarters and stayed there until tomorrow, the instructions not to overexert herself having been rather more proscriptive than Alisha seemed to have remembered. When they had last seen each other in sickbay, they agreed Jane would go to Alisha’s quarters when her shift was done, but when the hour rolled around the intel officer was nowhere to be found. At least her commbadge was still on her, so it didn’t take much work to track her to the observation area.

“You weren’t in your quarters,” was all Jane said. She had the sense from their last meeting that Alisha was hurting, though she couldn’t quite tell how much. It might be best to let Alisha open up herself, maybe with some gentle prodding, but no hard pushing.

A sharp intake of breath showed that Alisha hadn't heard the door slide open and her eyes opened again as she fumbled with the weapon and lost her grip on it. It clattered off the wall and she missed it as it hit the ground. Alisha stooped to scoop it up quickly as she tried and failed miserably to stop crying as she only partially turned towards Jane, "I-I-I-I just wanted to see the st-st-stars." She stammered out, not able to meet Jane's gaze and trying to hide the phaser. Her chin quivered uncontrollably and she turned her head to look out the blister again.

“Alisha?” Jane said, her voice firm but caring. She stepped forward into the room. “Talk to me. Please.” As she stepped closer she saw that Alisha held something but she couldn’t make it out. “What do you have there?”

She couldn't hide it anymore and Alisha slumped back down into the window ledge and openly fiddled with the phaser, turning it over and over in her hands once more. "I killed him." She said softly, then the waterworks started again with the sobs, "God, I k-killed him, Jane! I-I-I don't deserve to be here, when Hiro's dead.. I, this isn't what... I don't..." The words just left her.

“Okay,” Jane said, stopping in her tracks. She couldn’t be too cautious right now. “Let’s stay calm, alright? We’re not doing anything hasty.” She paused to consider her next words and took a deep breath. “I saw the reports of what happened. I wasn’t there, and I understand what me not having been there means, but do you want to hear my take on it?”

"Th-that counselor said it was him or me, an-and I did what I had to." Alisha nodded her head slowly, "I could have done better, should have done better. I should have talked him down, done something else. I've... I've never killed anyone before." Alisha admitted, "I've... Been in shootouts, but I always missed, didn't... Never..."

Jane arched her eyebrows, taken aback. She had simply assumed…oh shit, a first kill?

“Twenty-two,” Jane said.

Alisha nodded, it was something she'd had an idea about based off of her... Research into the crew. It hadn't given an exact number, but given the reports and intelligence estimates, the number didn't surprise her.

“Twenty-two is my number,” the pilot explained. “The confirmed number directly attributable to me, I mean.” She inched closer to Alisha. “Twelve were holding a position on ‘aucdet IX from Klingon insurgents four years ago. We were evacuating the medical station there. My runabout was being overrun. My copilot and I held them back as the medical staff rushed to safety. We got them all out, and twelve Klingons died.”

“Another seven was at Beta Lankal,” Jane continued. “Another rescue operation. I was solo that time. A bomber squadron had been shot down over Beta Lankal II. We got signals showing that at least some had survived, but Command refused to approve a rescue. I went in myself and came back with four survivors, plus the symbiont of my Captain’s husband. I had to take seven lives to do it.”

"But that-" Alisha tried to interject.

Jane was speaking more and more confidently and firmly as she went on. “The last three were on Quarra. I was on an away team and we were fired upon by slavers. We had to defend ourselves.”

"That's diff-" Again.

“This doesn’t count anyone who died during starship combat,” Jane added. “Surely at the helm I’m at least partially complicit in that. How many are aboard the nine B’Rels, three K’Vorts, and one Fek’lhr I helped to destroy?”

“Does knowing I’ve killed twenty-two people change how you feel about me?” By this point, Jane had come all the way to Alisha’s side.

Alisha slowly shook her head, the tears slowing finally. It wasn't due to a revelation or anything, Alisha knew she'd been crying too much, she almost had no tears left to cry, "No, it-t-t doesn't change." She admitted, still turning the phaser over and over, but even that was slowing down, "I-I-I make a good show of-of it, b-b-but I'd never... Had to." The phaser fell out of her fingers this time and she clutched desperately at Jane, "I d-didn't want to, I didn't think he'd be there, I... Oh god, Jane..." Maybe she wasn't out of tears yet.

Jane let the phaser fall and pulled Alisha close. She kicked the phaser out of reach though, just in case.

“There was nothing else you could’ve done,” Jane whispered. “He wouldn’t have let you leave alive, Alisha. I read the reports. You couldn’t have talked him down.” She pulled Alisha a bit away to look her in the eye. “If our positions had been reversed, would you have preferred that I killed an enemy combatant to stay alive? Or the opposite? Because if the choice is you or some traitor, I pick you every time. Everyone on this ship does. Christ, every loyal member of Starfleet does.”

"But I k-killed him." Alisha said, burying her face into Jane's shoulder, muffling her voice, "He said he always knew I was a killer. Th-that I was a monster... He was right, you know.. I am a monster, a monster with too many faces.."

“Monsters don’t regret their kills,” Jane said. “Listen to yourself. True monsters don’t say the things you’re saying.” She held Alisha close, rubbing her back. “A killer doesn’t dwell on their kills. A kind person, someone full of love and humanity, someone like you, that’s the kind of person who only kills if they have to, they don’t minimize the enormity of it, and they don’t ever forget how it feels.”

"B-but how? How do I get over it?" Alisha asked desperately, "I know that when I go to sleep, he's going to be there, staring at me again."

"If I'm being honest, he might be," Jane admitted. "Probably for the next little while. But I'll be there, to hold you, and to make sure you're safe from the nightmares, and from yourself."

"C-can you take me home?" Alisha requested, "I-I-I'll have to talk to a counselor... Soon. They're going to take me off duty, aren't they?"

"For a little while probably," Jane said. "But in a few days you'll be back to it. Maybe not all the way better, but on your way. And of course I'll take you home." She made sure Alisha could stand on her own and stepped away to pick up the phaser. Safety first, she lowered it to level one and turned it off completely before putting it in her own sidearm holster. "Do you have anything else on you that I need to take away? Anything sharp?"

"No..." Alisha admitted, looking down to her feet and the fuzzy slippers they were nestled into. Of course, she wasn't even in a uniform right now, so they did match the outfit, mostly, "I left the knife in my left boot where it usually is. That would... Hurt too much."

Jane nodded and put her arm around Alisha’s waist. An intimate gesture, but also one of unwavering support, physical, mental, an emotional. I’m here for you. “C’mon. Let’s get you home.”

---

Posting by (in order of appearance):

Lieutenant Junior Grade Alisha Reno
Chief Intelligence Officer, USS Myogi (NCC-65918)

Lieutenant Junior Grade Jane Sinclair
Chief Flight Control Officer, USS Myogi (NCC-65918)

 

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