Counseling Techniques Part 1

Posted on Sun May 28th, 2023 @ 11:09am by Lieutenant Alisha Reno & Lieutenant Commander Brennyn Scott M.D.

1,993 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: The Fast & The Fleet
Location: Dr. Scott's Office
Timeline: Day after 'Kill Al La Aftermath'

Alisha passed by the door again, for the third time as she kept breathing in and out deeply. It wasn't that she didn't trust the person within, it was just that she didn't want to go in, no matter what she'd promised Jane. She was proud of only seeing a counselor when it was absolutely required for a yearly psychiatric examination and to go in for any other reason was seen by her on her own part as... Weakness. She turned around on the heel of her left shoe this time, starting the walk back to the door and this time hesitated. And that was what did her in. She exhaled deeply and squared up to the door before reaching out and pressing the chime, announcing herself as well, "Doctor Scott, this is Lieutenant Reno... Do you have some time?"

Turning toward the door and grateful for the interruption, as even the most fascinating psychological report could become tedious after a while, Scott called out, "Of course," punctuating her answer by pressing a button that would automatically cause the doors to open. Most of the time she kept the office unlocked so to speak to be accessible to other people, but on occasion when she was reviewing private information or just wanted some uninterrupted time, she kept the room locked. Curious as to what would bring the intelligence officer to her door, she wondered if it had to do with their current mission or something more.

Alisha hesitated for a couple moments after she stepped into the room, then slowly made her way to the chair in front of The desk and sat down neat and primly, hands in her lap. While somewhat normal of Alisha the Intelligence Officer, this was… Different, because her fingers fiddled with each other. She looked up at Brennyn in silence for another couple seconds, then shook her head slightly. “I’m sorry. I’m..” She exhaled deeply, “On.. On Nikko, I found myself in the position.” She shook her head harder, “No, I..” She tensed up completely, “I killed someone on Nikko. Someone I knew and I know it was self-defense, but..” Tears welled up and she couldn’t control it, damn her. She just shook her head again.

Bree nodded silently and stood to sit across from Alisha more directly. She did not know her well personally and did not want to risk the potential misstep of offering a hug or a hand on her shoulder without permission. Given how tense, physically, Alisha appeared, Bree sensed it might not be appreciated. Instead, she leaned forward, closing the physical gap between them, if only a bit, leaning into, and not running from, or remaining coldly indifferent to, her pain, as another clinician might. "It's still an awful shock," Bree suggested, "perhaps one you're not sure you can live with?"

Silence lasted for a few seconds as Alisha fought with herself, then shook her head slightly, "I've... Come to the conclusion I can live with it, but it's tough." She admitted, "I shouldn't have survived the fight, He got a shot off at me point blank and hit me and Hiro was better than me at grappling and we fought over a knife, mine, then his." Her eyes cast to the floor, "I got lucky. And I knew then and there I shouldn't have. I was able to call for a medic and they saved me." Her shoulders hunched forward as she couldn't keep her eyes off the ground, "And then, last night... I tried to kill myself." Her voice had lowered to just above a whisper.

Of all the things she expected to come out of the other woman's mouth, a suicide attempt was not one of them. Still, years of professional experience had taught Bree to expect the unexpected and to school her features to encourage others to share openly. "Thank you for being so honest, Alisha. I'm sure it wasn't easy to come here and share what you just did. Will you tell me more about your attempt?"

The Intelligence officer nodded, then reached up to unseal her collar. It was getting hot, whether from embarrassment about the admission, or just... Something else. She knew she had to get it all out and not just to Jane, "It came from the same problem, having to..." She shook her head slightly, "But you already know that. I'd gotten out of sickbay an hour or so before, but when I tried resting at my quarters, I just got fidgety. You see, while I've killed my fair share on the movie screen and in holodecks, I'd never had to in the course of my duties. And the blood.. So much blood all over the ground, all over me, then his hatred as he slowly died. It all came back to me and I couldn't get it out of my head."

Alisha took a deep breath, let it out, then took in another, closing her eyes before releasing it. She knew she wanted to cry again, but couldn't let herself, not now, not where this woman could see it and see it for weakness and relieve her of her duties, "I had one of those type one phasers, the really small ones in my quarters, just in case of emergency. I took it with me to one of the observation blisters so I could just look out at the stars. Those are really peaceful places, you know, beautiful views. I took my time, just wanted to calm myself down first, appreciate what was out there. I was working up the nerve to actually press the button when Lieutenant Sinclair walked in looking for me. I... Couldn't do it with her there."

Brennyn listened carefully as Alisha recounted the details of her anguish. Scott had a responsibility not just to listen, but to listen and to assess. "Was taking your life your intention?"

"Yes." Alisha stated almost instantly. It was something she'd pored over in her mind again and again, "I fully intended to end my life last night. I believe I'm past it at this point, but it doesn't change the facts. It was a conscious decision and I'd set the phaser to maximum to ensure that it would work. The only thing that didn't go to plan was Jane finding me so quickly." Her voice had gone from emotional to analytical, a sign that she was starting to dissociate from the event.

It wasn't something she expected to hear, but it also wasn't something she was unprepared for. That the other woman had begun to distance herself from the event given her tone and demeanor wasn't an immediate concern for Scott. "Will you walk me through what you were thinking from the moment you decided to get the phaser from your quarters? I'd like to understand your thought process and how it contributed to your decision making." The counselor had already established Alisha had a serious plan to take her life and had acted on those means. Where things went from here from a treatment perspective depended on how much insight she had into her own ability to cope and into her own behavior.

"I wasn't thinking. Not consciously at least." Alisha closed her eyes as she thought back to the previous night, "I was preoccupied with what happened on board Nikko. It just keeps... Kept running through my head, only about sixty seconds of it, really, the end of it. I didn't think about my own wounds, just the ones that I'd inflicted. The horror of the act of stabbing him, of his blood all over the place, over me, watching him just fade out, the words he said, all on constant re-run in my mind." The Intelligence officer grimaced and opened her eyes again, "I wanted it to stop, to end, to just go away, but I didn't want that to be the last thing going through my head before I pressed the button. So I went to where it was peaceful, where I could look out into the galaxy and maybe hope for something better in the next world." She remembered the calm of looking out at the stars and shuddered. Never more would that be a source of true comfort, it would always be associated with this memory.

Alisha may not have thought she had much to offer in the way of thought, but the more Bree listened, the more she was starting to get a complete picture of the intelligence officer's state of mind. Trauma wasn't just trauma simply because a person relived an event or series of events. It remained trauma because of the hurtful beliefs that one developed in its aftermath. "I can see even now you are reliving the event, and I'm sorry to cause you additional pain. I do think the key to helping you process all of this starts with understanding what you say to yourself about who you are because of that 60 seconds of memory. In other words, as you relive it, what conclusions do you draw about yourself?"

It was a grimace that crossed Alisha's face as she knew what she had to admit, "That I'm the monster that Hiro said I was, the killer he always knew me to be." She waved a hand vaguely, "Oh sure, it was him or me and I did want to live, but Hiro and I.. We had something at the Academy for a little while, but we fell apart, then we lost touch and went our separate ways in part due to differing views."

The blonde woman sighed deeply, "I've killed more people than I can remember, but there's a difference between in the movies, where after the director says 'cut' and if the blood is holographic it just vanishes, or if it's fake blood, it washes out. Everyone gets up, walks away and gets ready for the next scene." She stabbed a suddenly rigid finger down, "This is different. This blood washes off, yes, but it sticks up here." She stabbed that finger to her temple, harder than intended, "It... Leaves a mark." Her voice went suddenly quiet.

Scott nodded. "Any experience, good or bad, that has an emotional impact, leaves a mark. It's natural to me to want to feel the good and not the bad, but without the bad, how would we ever appreciate the difference? Let's say for the sake of argument your thought is true - you are the monster he always believed you to be - if that's true, what does that mean? What are you saying to yourself about that?"

In Bree's experience, what often started as distress linked to a series of specific events was actually an indication that deeper core beliefs had been triggered. Unlike situation specific automatic thoughts, core beliefs were long-standing assumptions about oneself that tended to color a person's viewpoint globally.

Alisha sighed, “I don’t know.” She admitted, “And I think that’s what scares me the most. All this time, ever since Intelligence recruited me, I’ve been this white knight protecting everyone from the boogeymen, but now I’m turning into what I’ve fought so hard to defend against. I’ve always been a passive player in the game of information, this was my first actual combat scenario. Just like I’d rehearsed in part.. Cozied up to two security officers, took them down, stuns shots only, then made my way through to my destination to save the day, to save lives by shutting the ship down and instead, turned into a killer. And not of a random stranger, but someone I cared about. I think that’s what made it worse, because I knew Hiro, he was my friend, my classmate, no matter what else was going on.”

[To Be Continued in Part 2]

OFF:

By
Lieutenant(jg) Alisha Reno
Chief Intelligence Officer
USS Myogi

Lieutenant Brennyn Scott
Chief Counselor
USS Myogi

RSS Feed